By Joyce Wayne
Talking to aging parents can be delicate and downright tricky. What do our children say to us when we need guidance or support? It’s a complicated line to cross. The shoe has always been on the other foot. Moms and dads are supposed to help and advise their kids, not the other way around.
Yet, often unexpectedly, children need to support their parents or guide them through making big and small decisions. Now, a new book by Laura Tamblyn Watts, the CEO of CanAge, Canada’s national seniors’ advocacy organization, provides a guide to conversation-starting scripts, along with expert advice, to help us navigate these tricky and often urgent situations.
Conversations to Have with Aging Parents
Let’s Talk About Aging Parents is a real-life guide to solving problems with 27 essential conversations. The sample conversations include:
- Does my parent need help around the house?
- What kind of medical issues should we look out for?
- Do I really need to help my parents if they’re toxic?
- How can my family share the caregiving load?
Andre Picard, the award-winning health columnist for The Globe and Mail, has this to say about Tamblyn Watt’s book: “Being thrust into the role of caregiver for an aging parent (or two) can be challenging, overwhelming even. There are so many questions and so much to fear….The sensitive discussion can be about whether it’s time to stop driving to the joys of toileting.”
Most of my friends are over 70 years of age, and together we are facing predictable hurdles as we age. With few exceptions, we live in our own homes, and most of us have children. The very first person I’m gifting this book to is my daughter. When the time comes, I want to make it as easy as possible for her to start conversations with my husband and me about changes that will inevitably be necessary as we age.
Home Care for Aging Parents Checklist
The first section of this book is about our homes and home care. Tamblyn Watts suggests these questions for our children:
- Is my parent’s home ready for them to age in place?
- Do my parents need help around the house?
- How can I work with family members to coordinate my parent’s care?
- Does my parent need to downsize their possessions?
- Is it time for my parent to move into independent living or a retirement home?
Eventually, most older people must face these questions. Right now, I’m thinking long and hard about the three flights of stairs in our townhouse and how we’ll be able to navigate them as we age. At the moment we’re able to take care of ourselves. We cook, clean, and shop for ourselves, but when we can’t manage all three, I’d prefer to hire help to come into our home, and I’d like my daughter to be involved in those decisions.
Aging Parents and Decluttering
Like many, I have too much stuff. My once pristine walk-in closet has become a mountainous mess, a catch-all for the clothes and shoes I no longer wear and have no intention of wearing. It’s time to donate the donatable items to charity. The house is overflowing with books. The previous time I moved, I gave away cartons of books. The time has come again to scour my bookshelves and donate the overflow to the public library or to charity.
Importance of Community
For now, and for the foreseeable future, it looks like my husband and I will be able to manage on our own. But, and it’s a huge consideration, where is the best location for us to do that? As I often mention in these posts, it’s important to be close to good friends and family and not to rely solely on the goodwill of our children, who often are busy raising their own kids, building their careers, or just trying to enjoy their lives in a complex and challenging economic and political environment. Living in a close-knit community where neighbours watch out for each other is crucial. Being within driving distance of good friends and family is also vital, as is being connected to reliable medical experts.
Importance of Power of Attorney for Elderly Parents
Other significant questions that Tamblyn Watts approaches are legal ones. They include Powers of Attorney. Tamblyn Watts describes them as “legal documents made by a mentally capable adult that pick someone to make decisions if that adult can’t. In some jurisdictions, there are two documents: one covering health and personal care decisions and another covering property and financial decisions.”
It’s important that we consult an attorney to draw up these documents while we are of sound mind. Thankfully, this book will help us prepare Powers of Attorney, which, to me, is the most critical action you can take to guard your safety and well-being. This will also help your children make decisions that are entirely in sync with your wishes. It seems like years away, but now is never too soon to formalize your wishes.
